HELP! (Readers living by the sea are requested to cut out this note, translate it into English, fold it nicely, put it inside a sealed bottle, throw it into the sea -- and hope for the best.) TO ALL GOOD PEOPLE WHO FIND THIS NOTE: This message reaches you from men, women, and children stranded on an isolated piece of land in the Middle East. We are a decent people, but as a result of a severe voting accident, we are now at the mercy of a particularly stupid group of leaders: mostly generals, colonels, clergy, and other thugs. These bad people insist that God himself directed them to fight endlessly for a few useless pieces of real estate and sacred totem poles. They are forcing us to participate in their war games, finance, and sometimes take active part in them. If you find this note, please take it to your leaders. This is our last means of communication. TV and radio channels we could have used until recenly are now controlled by the government and its agents. We still have food and water, but only a few drops are left in the supplies of sanity.
-- B. Michael