My television is a jealous, Old Testament appliance. It hands down its commandments only once, and smites those who are called away during its services. It sets harsh tests for its followers; it delivers them not from commercials; it abandons them in the vast wasteland of today's programming. "Thou shalt set no entertainment before me," it says, and "Thou shalt sacrifice to me your prime-time hours, which you love, as a burnt offering."
But Tivo? Tivo is a New Testament appliance, Tivo is the promise of redemption, Tivo is love. One needs only to call out -- in any hour of day or night -- and Tivo is there with one's favorite shows. Tivo is the voice in the wilderness, leading the faithful to the Promised Programs. Tivo can stop time; Tivo can raise last week's episodes from the dead. With Tivo, all things are possible.
I am an unworthy sinner. I have watched what was on because it was all that was on, I have lost my faith during commercial breaks and forgotten the program I was watching, I have allowed the television screen to flicker out because I could not be home in time to see my favorite program. But now Tivo has come to wash away my entertainment sins with its undying love. Have mercy on this poor lost soul, Tivo, and lead me to your Kingdom of Heavenly Television.