The Next Novelty Drink Craze

I've decided that the world of overpriced novelty drinks at overly trendy nightclubs is just about ready for the next big faddish craze. And if I can be in the right place at the right time with the right dumb idea for serving alcohol in a flashy manner, the sky's the limit. Here are a few of my schemes so far:

The Shot Tower

To get one of these babies, you need to lie down on your back in a specially-marked spot, so that your head is precisely positioned ten feet beneath a precision-mounted funnel. Then just open wide and wait for your drink to make its gravity-assisted journey to your innards.

The Cannonball

On a closely related theme, we have this ballistic liquor consumption mechanism. Everyone in the free world has tried catching popcorn, or grapes, or M&Ms, or cubes of Jello (okay, so maybe this last one's just me) thrown by someone else. If one were to surround a shot-sized amount of fliud with some sort of thin membrane to keep it from breaking up along the way (since neither a zero-G environment nor a vacuum will be standard bar equipment for some time), then the same principles would apply. Our research labs are currently attempting to discover a coating that will supply the needed containment properties and be able to withstand the shock of the launch without posing a choking hazard for the recipient.

Toxic Sludge


  • One packet Fun Dip (aka Lik-m-aid, aka Kiddie Cocaine)
  • Enough vodka to make the Fun Dip into a liquid

It's candy. Candy that hates you.

Illegal in six states. Regulated by the FDA, EPA, and ATF.

The Universal Solvent

Modern science has advanced to the point where we're capable of making edible materials that react with or dissolve in water and/or ethyl alcohol. And certainly to the point where our technological prowess can mold such materials into drinking vessels. I've got a little game we can play using this technology, and this is how it goes:

These puppies have to be ordered in rounds of five. Each patron gets a cup into which a fizzing, patented, heavily likkered concoction is simultaneously dispensed. And then the fun begins. Our contestants have about fifteen seconds of safety, after which the drink will have eaten through its container to the point where it loses structural integrity and leaves them with a handful of said fizzing, patented, heavily likkered concoction.

Here's the kicker: one of our lucky barflies will be crowned Royal Alchemist and be granted the reward of not having to pay. And the winner will be the one who quaffs his or her brew last (without going over, as they say on The Price Is Right). Thus, an ordinary round of drinks is transformed into a Battle Royale contest of nerves as our contestants stare each other down before raising their glasses in the last instant like gunslingers at high noon.

Given how many drinks will wind up on the floor, how drunkenness tends to exacerbate competitive urges, and the inherently social large-group aspect to this one, I anticipate huge profit potential.

The Fresh Squeezed

The barkeep prepares a drink, then sops it up with a sponge. Customer recieves sponge, and uses technique of choosing to extract drink from sponge. It's actually a fairly disgusting concept, but it can probably be salvaged by using anatomically correct sponges. I'm not sure if this makes it more or less disgusting.

Something tells me I probably shouldn't quit the day job.